5th August, 2023
02:32 a.m.
Zurich, Switzerland
It has been more than half a year, I thought everything turned back to normal, I thought that I would not have that weird dream again,
I thought it was all an illusion, but last night, once again, I had another dream.
Dream 02
“嘩屌！好痛啊!, 點解屋企放咗咁多野架！”
“Auch! It hurts! We have too much stuff at home!”
我忍不住在這個平靜安穩的星期六大叫一聲，一個載滿衣服的箱撞得我腳趾公痛得欲生欲死。
I can’t help but yell on this calm and peaceful Saturday morning, my toe hurts so bad because of the box filled with clothes.
And by the way, why are there so many boxes full of stuff that I don’t even need ( and I bet my mum doesn’t need them)? even in my room, I hate it. I mean the place is already small and congested, with stuff collected and stored at home for “being reasonably frugal”.
I feel trapped.
父母都不在家，他們大概去了工作，是的，連週末也在工作。我媽都會靠她打工的那間傢俬舖的關係在我們那屋院接單。那些下單的客人都是需要清拆移走家中的舊傢俬。接單後就由我爸爸去處理那些粗重工夫。他倆都會說那是他們的興趣，而且又能夠賺到錢，可樂而不為啊？
Parents are not home today, guess they have to work today, yeah, even on Saturday. My mum takes advantage of the furniture company she works for, to take orders in the neighbourhood, orders from those who need to dismantle furniture and remove it from their apartment. Then, my dad will be the one who does the work. They always say that it’s their hobby and that they earn a bit of money out of it, so why not?
我都跟他們說了很多次，他們年紀都不少了，搬搬抬抬很是危險。
I told them several times it can be dangerous for their hips and that they are not young anymore.
“我不知幾大力啊，同做gym有咩分別，個拎鐘就執到幾舊水點解唔做啊！”
“You know I’m fit and strong, it’s just like going to the gym to work out, and what’s more, I can make several hundred in just an hour or two, why not?!”
I feel trapped, again.
我爸爸永遠都是這樣的一個人，容易滿足，永遠都不會怨天尤人，這剛好與我媽媽完全相反。他願意在週末也工作都只是為了我媽媽。只要她有額外的零用錢，她就會開心，而爸爸亦會開心。
My dad is always that kind of person, easy to satisfy, never complaint, the total opposite of my mum. He does these jobs even on the weekend, mostly just because of my mum. When she gets that extra money, she is happy, and he is happy.
我睡房的氣味有點奇怪，等等，這不就是我昨晚點著的香芧味的檀香嗎，記得是我姐給我的 ，最近她迷上了那些天然用品。但我不得不說，這檀香真的使我更平靜。啊，還有來自洗衣液的那種很強的茉莉花香，是個我由細到大都聞的氣味。我真的想念這個氣味。
The smell of my room is oddly strange, wait, isn’t that just the lemongrass incense I used last night? I got them from my sister who is recently into natural scents, I have to say it calms me down a lot. Oh yeah, and also that laundry detergent with a strong scent of jasmine flower taste. We have been using this one since I can remember, I kind of miss this smell.
在這小小的一間房屋裏，為何內疚感打從心底裏湧出來 ？是因為我一直只想逃避這個家？
Being in this little apartment, suddenly the guilt creeps out from my mind, why? Is it because I always wanted to escape from this poor family? Is it because I don’t earn enough and I can’t afford to improve our lives? I have no answer, but a tear drops right on my foot.
04:00 a.m.
wake up sobbing, unstoppable.
4點鐘
淚中睡醒，無法停止
I go to the sink in the bathroom, test the water with my finger until the water is cold, and then I fill up my cup.
I drink the water sip after sip as if I was out of water for days, and I finish it within 5 seconds, the coldness from my mouth hits like a stream through my chest to my belly. It’s refreshing, it’s so refreshing that it clears my mind.
I refill the cup again, go back to the bed and sit on the corner facing the whirring fan, and I realise I am full of sweat, the breeze washes directly to my naked body, the sweat evaporates, and I can feel it carried away my heat. I drink the rest of the water. It’s refreshing.
7.23 p.m.
Zurich, Switzerland
It’s the second summer here in Zurich, I’ve been dating this guy for a year, we never mentioned our status, never defined what are we in a relationship, and we always introduce each other as friends.
I like the gentle touch he gives with his fingers to my stressed and burdened neck; I like the shoulder he is always ready for my heavy and onerous thoughts; I like the company he provides even though I don’t think I need it.
Just like that, we sit o
n the grass saying nothing, having each other by our side, by the river where we first met last summer, it’s quite corny, right? I think to myself, yet I question why on earth I deserve a person like him.
“You know, I don’t think I can get along with the people here.”
“Why, what happened?” I asked,
“It’s just when I moved here for the new company, they were very welcoming, we had lunch together and people spoke in English to me but over time they just stopped speaking in English anymore. They talk in Swiss German again, I feel like I’m excluded.”
“我明啊，就算而家我都係咁。”
“What did you say?”
“Ah, I don’t know, I was out of my mind, I think I was just talking to myself in Cantonese. Haha”
“Yeah, I just
don’t feel I am part of the community.”
Am I too naïve to assume his life is easier just because he has the same skin as the people here? I lay on his shoulder, thinking we are two confused souls living in this beautiful aligned place. He slowly lays his head back. At this moment I feel like I know him, and he knows me. I hope I don’t have to wake up from this dream.